I would like to take this opportunity to digress from the current train of thought, or stream of blogginess if you will, to offer a couple of interpositions. One is inspired by a recent blog comment, the other is a "credit where credit is due" tiradette. (I think I just invented a word.)
I want to make it clear that in my exploration of circumstantial proofs of the existence of God that I am not trying to convert or convince anyone. I am sharing the thought process I, as a lifelong advocate of "intelligence is enough for me" and adherent of the religion of self-sufficiency, went through in allowing myself, perish the thought, to accept the existence of a Supreme Being and even more to accept my inferior and supplicative relationship to said being. I would look pretty foolish abdicating intellectual responsibility for my own set of rules for conducting my life if I was only accepting the rules of a non-existent being whose moral code was made up by a bunch of men thousands of years ago. This was a HUGE paradigm shift and I was not going to tread lightly. We are talking about overcoming the crashing gulf of cognitive dissonance that I had maintained all my life, not to mention 25 years of socialization as a man where I learned that you are to be self-sufficient and to surrender to any man (or God) is anathema to your being as a man. (I think that is one reason women find spirituality easier to embrace than men. Just look at participation in most churches.)
Perhaps I am beating a dead horse by exploring all these topics meticulously. Perhaps there is some amount of "easy topics for the next few blog posts in order to not stop writing while I think up the next thing to write about" syndrome. Perhaps I should just get on with the spiritual quest that led me to today and not partake of this primrose path. I'll consider it over the next few days. Stay tuned...
Now, for a rant about the topic of the extremes of wealth and poverty.
I picked up a book today. The title is Failing at Fairness: How Our Schools Cheat Girls and I am looking forward to reading it. I also have books like The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism is Harming Our Young Men which is a fantastic, eye-opening book. You can also look at the Portland Press Herald's special report here.
I am somewhat of a passionate scholar of the issue of the equality of women and men. I firmly believe that establishing the equality of men and women isn't a matter of women attaining what men have. It isn't about just treating everyone the same. It is about eliminating everything that hinders people from exploring and reaching their full potential. It is about stopping the definition of things by gender when they don't need to be. Anyway, I digress in my digression.
I am not railing against Myra and David Sadker, the authors of the book I picked up today. I laud them for their efforts. I laud the efforts of anyone that points out how people are getting short-changed, particularly when it is how our children are getting short-changed by our education system. The problem is not that our education system favors boys over girls or girls over boys. THE PROBLEM IS THAT OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM IS GROSSLY UNDERFUNDED! Schools should never have to wonder where funding is going to come from, or how many children they can fit into a classroom, or which programs are going to get cut, or which teachers are going to be let go. Schools are not mills where you feed children in at age five and retrieve them at age eighteen just to send them off to jobs or higher education or whatever. They are vital elements of society. Baha'u'llah says: "“Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom.”
Here is a thought. If class sizes were smaller and educators were plentiful enough to actually tailor education to the needs of children and to develop relationships with their students, perhaps we wouldn't have children who are so under-served and ostracized they feel the need to shoot people. (I'm not justifying these horrendous acts by blaming it on schools. These are individuals who make the decisions to act in heinous ways.)
How higher education is messed up, how municipalities get put in the position of "robbing Peter to pay Paul" when it comes to funding education, the racial impact of public schools, and where the money that should go in to education actually goes are topics for another day. Suffice it to say that children, regardless of gender, in most of our public school systems are paying a price that our society can ill afford. It is short-sighted in the same way chopping down rainforests is. Those who have money can bypass the issue by choosing private schools or tutors or whatever.
And now back to our regularly scheduled program.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Tick Talk
Can you flip a coin so it will land heads up one hundred times in a row? I can. I'll tell you how at the end.
But first the watchmaker argument for the existence of God. I'm sure you have heard this argument. You are walking through the desert one day and you see a watch lying on a rock. You would have to assume it was created by a watchmaker. You would never assume, in fact couldn't assume, that it just happened to be created randomly from particles and elements just zooming around that happened to join together in the form of a watch. Perhaps if you lived in another universe you could, but in this universe where you are constantly observing the physical laws in action, where they are the very fiber of your understanding of how the world works, you wouldn't.
Another example has you walking through the woods one day and seeing a pile of bricks. You walk by the next day and the bricks have gone from being a pile to being a nice little house. Is it possible that all of this order could have randomly arisen without some sentient design or organizing principle behind it? The law of entropy, also known as the second law of thermodynamics, says no. Those who argue this as proof of "intelligent design" say no.
If you open a bottle of perfume in a room it will dissipate to fill the room. This maximizes the entropy and leads to maximum disorder. Would you ever expect it to "randomly" collect in the open bottle? My desk becomes more and more cluttered until I spend a large amount of time and energy re-ordering it. Perhaps if I worked for millions of years it could randomly be ordered, but I'm not holding my breath.
Everywhere I look I can see examples of the universe tending towards disorder. Everywhere. That is why they call it the second LAW of thermodynamics. Not the second it usually happens this way of thermodynamics. I have never once seen anything that I would describe as defying this law. Even incredible odds of things can happen randomly, but they don't happen in consistent manner over long periods of time to defy the law of entropy.
Suppose you have a thousand pennies in a jar on a day you are really bored. Using your thumb, you flip the first one in the air and it lands on the ground heads up. You flip another and are amazed that it landed heads up on top of the other penny. Suppose you did this every hour every day for a million years. Would you ever expect that random chance would ever lead to the possibility of landing even 100 of those pennies on top of each other?
My experience of the world around me leads me to believe in the watchmaker argument. I think there must be something intelligent behind the design of the universe. Too many random things had to happen over too long a period of time in a definite direction (towards order, not disorder) for me to believe otherwise. This is just another circumstance that I chalk up in the God column.
God 2, No God 0
Now, how to flip a coin heads up one hundred times in a row. All you need is a big box and a large number of coins.
If you put 50 coins in a box and flipped them, you would expect 25 of them to be heads. Put those into the box and flip them again, getting ~12 coins. Flip them again, getting about six. Flip again getting about three. Flip again you'll probably get one. That is a coin that has landed on heads five times in a row. To get a coin to land heads up 100 times you just need 2^100 coins. I'd throw in a few more because random means not every flip will be exactly evenly divided. Put those coins in a BIG box and start flipping. (Thanks to Mr. Twitchell, my high school physics teacher.)
Next: How many constants would a constant maker make if a constant maker constantly made constants?
But first the watchmaker argument for the existence of God. I'm sure you have heard this argument. You are walking through the desert one day and you see a watch lying on a rock. You would have to assume it was created by a watchmaker. You would never assume, in fact couldn't assume, that it just happened to be created randomly from particles and elements just zooming around that happened to join together in the form of a watch. Perhaps if you lived in another universe you could, but in this universe where you are constantly observing the physical laws in action, where they are the very fiber of your understanding of how the world works, you wouldn't.
Another example has you walking through the woods one day and seeing a pile of bricks. You walk by the next day and the bricks have gone from being a pile to being a nice little house. Is it possible that all of this order could have randomly arisen without some sentient design or organizing principle behind it? The law of entropy, also known as the second law of thermodynamics, says no. Those who argue this as proof of "intelligent design" say no.
If you open a bottle of perfume in a room it will dissipate to fill the room. This maximizes the entropy and leads to maximum disorder. Would you ever expect it to "randomly" collect in the open bottle? My desk becomes more and more cluttered until I spend a large amount of time and energy re-ordering it. Perhaps if I worked for millions of years it could randomly be ordered, but I'm not holding my breath.
Everywhere I look I can see examples of the universe tending towards disorder. Everywhere. That is why they call it the second LAW of thermodynamics. Not the second it usually happens this way of thermodynamics. I have never once seen anything that I would describe as defying this law. Even incredible odds of things can happen randomly, but they don't happen in consistent manner over long periods of time to defy the law of entropy.
Suppose you have a thousand pennies in a jar on a day you are really bored. Using your thumb, you flip the first one in the air and it lands on the ground heads up. You flip another and are amazed that it landed heads up on top of the other penny. Suppose you did this every hour every day for a million years. Would you ever expect that random chance would ever lead to the possibility of landing even 100 of those pennies on top of each other?
My experience of the world around me leads me to believe in the watchmaker argument. I think there must be something intelligent behind the design of the universe. Too many random things had to happen over too long a period of time in a definite direction (towards order, not disorder) for me to believe otherwise. This is just another circumstance that I chalk up in the God column.
God 2, No God 0
Now, how to flip a coin heads up one hundred times in a row. All you need is a big box and a large number of coins.
If you put 50 coins in a box and flipped them, you would expect 25 of them to be heads. Put those into the box and flip them again, getting ~12 coins. Flip them again, getting about six. Flip again getting about three. Flip again you'll probably get one. That is a coin that has landed on heads five times in a row. To get a coin to land heads up 100 times you just need 2^100 coins. I'd throw in a few more because random means not every flip will be exactly evenly divided. Put those coins in a BIG box and start flipping. (Thanks to Mr. Twitchell, my high school physics teacher.)
Next: How many constants would a constant maker make if a constant maker constantly made constants?
Sunday, April 15, 2007
The Spirit of Consultation
They say two heads are better than one. What about five and a half billion?
Let's look at Britannica's chart of world-wide adherents to different religious categories. I have always liked it for its concise overview and because it lists the Baha'i Faith.
According to this list there are roughly five and a half billion people who follow some sort of religion as of the middle of 2006. Here is a rough breakdown:
Atheist - 155 million
Non-religious - 785 million
Total population - 6,540 million
Subtracting non-religious and atheist, which leaves all the other categories of religions, from the world population that they list, we get the following:
Religious - 5,600 million
I am loosely translating "follow some sort of religion" as "believing in some sort of higher power" even though they may disagree as to the definition of that higher power. So there are 155 million atheists and thirty six times more theists or deists or whatever you want to call them. Even when you subtract those that have abstained by not choosing a religion, there are six believers for every one non-believer. Even if you subtract religions who you would argue don't profess belief in a higher power it would be at least two to one.
I personally find this significant because of the principle of group intelligence. My thinking at the time went something like this:
I don't know one way or the other if there is a God.
I have had this experience that makes me think so.
There are millions of people who believe in God and millions who don't.
There are more that believe in God than don't.
Many of those people have had some clue or experience one way or the other that led them to their decision, a clue or experience that I don't have. (I know many are religious because their parents are, or because they grew up in a religious society, but I am assuming equal proportions of those who have chosen their belief.)
There are people both more and less intelligent than me in each group.
The odds are that there are equal ratios of more intelligent people in each group. (I'm not ready to say that intelligence is inversely proportional to belief in God, though I think many would say that. I am saying that at the time I valued the opinions of highly intelligent people more.)
According to the calculations above (which I never did numerically until today) there are somewhere between 6 to 36 times more intelligent people who believe in a God than who don't.
If I was to have access to all the knowledge of all these people, I would be more likely to believe in God than not assuming those that are more intelligent than me would make decisions as least as good as I would make.
I'm not saying this is proof of the existence of God. I'm saying that in my rational analysis of the world around me, this is one tick-mark in the God column. I would also be open to arguments about the faulty reasoning and the bias towards intelligence over spirituality. That is exactly where I was at the time - biased towards intelligence. Like any argument, opposing views are valid.
This exercise reminds me of one of the things I enjoy most about the Baha'i Faith - consultation. You can search the web to find out about it, I won't try to describe it here. I will just say that it is a form of group decision-making and I look at the world as having been engaged in an ongoing asynchronous consultation about the existence of God. God is winning in the marketplace of ideas, if you will.
Not being one to leave my salvation in the hands of others I would certainly need more proof. Especially now that my salvation is of vital importance to me.
Next stop - belief by Bulova, rationale by Rolex.
Let's look at Britannica's chart of world-wide adherents to different religious categories. I have always liked it for its concise overview and because it lists the Baha'i Faith.
According to this list there are roughly five and a half billion people who follow some sort of religion as of the middle of 2006. Here is a rough breakdown:
Atheist - 155 million
Non-religious - 785 million
Total population - 6,540 million
Subtracting non-religious and atheist, which leaves all the other categories of religions, from the world population that they list, we get the following:
Religious - 5,600 million
I am loosely translating "follow some sort of religion" as "believing in some sort of higher power" even though they may disagree as to the definition of that higher power. So there are 155 million atheists and thirty six times more theists or deists or whatever you want to call them. Even when you subtract those that have abstained by not choosing a religion, there are six believers for every one non-believer. Even if you subtract religions who you would argue don't profess belief in a higher power it would be at least two to one.
I personally find this significant because of the principle of group intelligence. My thinking at the time went something like this:
I don't know one way or the other if there is a God.
I have had this experience that makes me think so.
There are millions of people who believe in God and millions who don't.
There are more that believe in God than don't.
Many of those people have had some clue or experience one way or the other that led them to their decision, a clue or experience that I don't have. (I know many are religious because their parents are, or because they grew up in a religious society, but I am assuming equal proportions of those who have chosen their belief.)
There are people both more and less intelligent than me in each group.
The odds are that there are equal ratios of more intelligent people in each group. (I'm not ready to say that intelligence is inversely proportional to belief in God, though I think many would say that. I am saying that at the time I valued the opinions of highly intelligent people more.)
According to the calculations above (which I never did numerically until today) there are somewhere between 6 to 36 times more intelligent people who believe in a God than who don't.
If I was to have access to all the knowledge of all these people, I would be more likely to believe in God than not assuming those that are more intelligent than me would make decisions as least as good as I would make.
I'm not saying this is proof of the existence of God. I'm saying that in my rational analysis of the world around me, this is one tick-mark in the God column. I would also be open to arguments about the faulty reasoning and the bias towards intelligence over spirituality. That is exactly where I was at the time - biased towards intelligence. Like any argument, opposing views are valid.
This exercise reminds me of one of the things I enjoy most about the Baha'i Faith - consultation. You can search the web to find out about it, I won't try to describe it here. I will just say that it is a form of group decision-making and I look at the world as having been engaged in an ongoing asynchronous consultation about the existence of God. God is winning in the marketplace of ideas, if you will.
Not being one to leave my salvation in the hands of others I would certainly need more proof. Especially now that my salvation is of vital importance to me.
Next stop - belief by Bulova, rationale by Rolex.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Circumstantial Proofs of the Existence of God
So there I was, on my couch, having what I felt was a spiritual experience. I prayed for the ability to accept my wife leaving me, for the courage to face it, and for the strength to deal with it.
My prayer was answered.
It was as if the crushing mountain of oppression that was threatening to annihilate me was instantly gone. Now you see it, now you don't. I'm talking soul-crushing, mind-numbing, paralysis suddently lifted and replaced by serene confidence that I could survive. I cannot stress that enough. This was not just a minor change in attitude. This was salvation. This was a deliverance of something impossible, a FedEx overnight delivery of the impossible and unimagined dream. Anyway, I think you get the point.
So now I had to wrestle with a lifetime of dismissing God as irrelevant. I had never seriously doubted that He existed, but I certainly had my share of atheist friends and wouldn't have dismissed the possibility. Mine was no firmly held believe until this experience. Over the years since then I have compiled a few different arguments that fit together to provide even more pieces to my certitude. Let's just say that I have yet to find something whose conclusion makes me think there might not be a God.
Today, I will just list them. Over the next few posts I'll outline them in more detail and share some of the pondering I did. I'm not trying to convince anyone, each person has to decide for themselves. I'm just sharing some of the ways my scientific, logical, rational, inquisitive mind has explored the ultimate question and always had the same answer. Some are arguments for the existence of God, some are arguments for acting as if there is even if there isn't.
* The overwhelming number of believers over time
* The Watchmaker argument
* The Universal constants argument
* Personal experience
* Media undertones
* Ability of prophets to start a religion despite severe opposition
* Scientific proof
* Euphemisms people use
* Altruism versus survival of the fittest
* Occam's Razor
* It is better to believe if there isn't than not believe if there is
* Look at the good it has done regardless of whether there is a God
* Hypocrisy in adherents doesn't disprove God
* Spiritual influence on world events
Some of these I'm sure you are familiar with, some are all mine. I'm a thinker. It's what I do. I could not have accepted God had I needed to turn my brain off and accept everything on Faith. I assume He gave me a brain for a reason. I admit that each and every one of them is subject to my individual biases and observations. I am, after all, fallible and finite.
Next time - two billion heads are better than one.
My prayer was answered.
It was as if the crushing mountain of oppression that was threatening to annihilate me was instantly gone. Now you see it, now you don't. I'm talking soul-crushing, mind-numbing, paralysis suddently lifted and replaced by serene confidence that I could survive. I cannot stress that enough. This was not just a minor change in attitude. This was salvation. This was a deliverance of something impossible, a FedEx overnight delivery of the impossible and unimagined dream. Anyway, I think you get the point.
So now I had to wrestle with a lifetime of dismissing God as irrelevant. I had never seriously doubted that He existed, but I certainly had my share of atheist friends and wouldn't have dismissed the possibility. Mine was no firmly held believe until this experience. Over the years since then I have compiled a few different arguments that fit together to provide even more pieces to my certitude. Let's just say that I have yet to find something whose conclusion makes me think there might not be a God.
Today, I will just list them. Over the next few posts I'll outline them in more detail and share some of the pondering I did. I'm not trying to convince anyone, each person has to decide for themselves. I'm just sharing some of the ways my scientific, logical, rational, inquisitive mind has explored the ultimate question and always had the same answer. Some are arguments for the existence of God, some are arguments for acting as if there is even if there isn't.
* The overwhelming number of believers over time
* The Watchmaker argument
* The Universal constants argument
* Personal experience
* Media undertones
* Ability of prophets to start a religion despite severe opposition
* Scientific proof
* Euphemisms people use
* Altruism versus survival of the fittest
* Occam's Razor
* It is better to believe if there isn't than not believe if there is
* Look at the good it has done regardless of whether there is a God
* Hypocrisy in adherents doesn't disprove God
* Spiritual influence on world events
Some of these I'm sure you are familiar with, some are all mine. I'm a thinker. It's what I do. I could not have accepted God had I needed to turn my brain off and accept everything on Faith. I assume He gave me a brain for a reason. I admit that each and every one of them is subject to my individual biases and observations. I am, after all, fallible and finite.
Next time - two billion heads are better than one.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Interlude - Three Cemetary Peaces +
Before embarking on a circumstantial proof of the existence of God, I wanted to share some spiritual places I have experienced, listed somewhat in chronological order of my visits.
I'm sure I'll think of more to share. I haven't even mentioned Haifa Israel and the Baha'i Shrines and Gardens. Maybe later...
Ryefield Bridge cemetery - This is where I'd like to spend my eternity. I grew up less than a mile from this cemetery in Harrison, Maine. I mowed it as a youngster, and find that its peaceful location above a river with a constant wind in the pines ambient sound makes it a very fond place for me. My nephew is also buried there, so I'd be in good company.
Valley of the Temples - On the island of Oahu, my first experience with a Buddhist Temple, and the peaceful atmosphere impresses me to this day. Part of what impressed me was also the fact that many religions were there side by side.
Normandy American Cemetery -I'm not the most enthusiastic flag-waving patriot you'll ever meet. I save my patriotism for Maine and for the New England Patriots. But a visit to this cemetery in Normandy with row after row of white headstone was moving. I'm sure Arlington would be as moving as well. All those people who gave their lives. I hope one day we'll stop having that need.
USS Arizona Memorial from the back of a US submarine - Again, I'm no patriot, but sailing past the Arizona Memorial on a submarine looking in awe at the memorial and paying respects while those inside look in awe at the submarine passing by makes for a special moment.
Grand Canyon at dawn - I went expecting a big postcard and a big ho-hum. I did have the foresight to get there before dawn and was well rewarded. The magic isn't the size of the hole, but the constantly changing colors as the sun moves through the sky. Much greater than I expected.
Japanese Friendship Garden in San Diego - Kudos to the Koi Club of San Diego for maintaining the most amazingly striking Koi Pond I have ever seen. The garden is lovely, and next time I am in San Diego I plan to spend hours there.
The Ocean any time - I used to laugh at the whole idea of "they that go down to the sea in ships" until I joined the Navy and spent lots of time near the ocean. Now I live within walking distance of it and intend to spend many hours there this summer. Aren't you jealous?
I'm sure I'll think of more to share. I haven't even mentioned Haifa Israel and the Baha'i Shrines and Gardens. Maybe later...
Sunday, April 8, 2007
It could have ended, but instead it began
"I'm not sure you'll want to go in there."
Hearing those words, my world as I knew it ended. It was 1987. Hard to believe it has been twenty years.
I was in the Navy serving on submarines. My wife had just picked me up at the pier upon my return from three months at sea. As we got to the front door of the condo we were renting, she spoke those understated, euphemistic words. As I write this I can still feel a sense of trepidation and nervousness as I place myself at that moment. Wow. I can hardly believe the unsettled feelings I am having now just thinking about it, and I am on the verge of tears.
That period of my life is a bit of a blur, but its impact is monumental, so please bear with me.
I learned what she meant as soon as I entered the condo. She had moved out all of her stuff and she said she herself would be moving out at the end of the week. Shazam!
I still don't know why she did things the way she did. I had heard many horror stories of sailors coming home to all sorts of unimaginable situations. Locks changed, lovers moved in, houses and bank accounts cleaned out and no trace of the wife and kids, those sorts of things. Thank God she didn't do that. She stayed the week and she picked me up at the pier. It could not have been easy for her. God bless her for that much.
To say I was blind-sided would have been a gross understatement. Yes, in retrospect I can say that there were warning signs, but signs only do any good if they are in a language you understand. The idea of her leaving was as foreign as the idea of, well, something I cannot even imagine right now. Perhaps sprouting a diesel engine out of my left ear and living the rest of my life in a U-Haul truck.
It was probably the most desperate time in my life, certainly one of the two most painful emotionally and three or four most momentous. But for the grace of God, I wouldn't be here now.
I spent the next week begging, pleading, sighing, crying, trying to understand. I probably shouted and raved, I don't know. By turns I felt like imploding or exploding. I could barely function. I don't know how I got to work or performed my duties. Part of that work involved standing watch on the submarine for a few days until the other crew took over and eventually left port. I remember a night in particular that still haunts me.
That week I stood watch in the missile compartment of the submarine on an overnight watch. It was a very quiet place at night, and I stood watch armed with a pistol. In a very detached way I remember thinking to myself that it would be easy to end it all. I had the opportunity and the means. I started imagining what the other watch would think when he came by and found me. I started imagining what the newspapers would say. There had been two accounts of members of the military in the last year or so who had committed suicide in the area. I kept handling the gun, feeling it, looking at it, thinking about it. We kept them unloaded, the clips on our belts. I don't remember ever loading the pistol. I don't know what stayed my hand, though I like to give credit to God. It was a very close thing.
My life was such pain, desperation, hopelessness, and lack of control. I felt that life had ended for all intents and purposes. There was nothing to hang on to, no light at the end of this tunnel. The person who felt that any problem was solvable, who had ultimate faith in the power of intellect, could not solve this one. It involved another human, and that person had free will. Nothing I could do could make her stay. No appeal to logic or intellect or promises to change or pleas for time could change the fact that my wife was going to leave. In desperation a few nights later I turned to God.
I spent many sleepless hours on the couch, pleading for God to make her stay, trying to bargain. I'd do anything He wanted. Go to church, read the Bible, whatever He wanted. Just make her stay. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I felt just as miserable.
I am realizing now that the remarkable thing was that I could have said "well, obviously God doesn't care, and this proves that He is of no use to me." Instead, I took the road less traveled by, and it has made all the difference.
I reasoned that I could not control my wife, nor did I really feel it would have been a good thing even if I could. To compel her love me would have been meaningless. Why would I expect God to do differently? If he compelled her to love me in order to grant my prayer, it would be the same thing. I couldn't control her through my own devices or through God's help, and if I could it wouldn't be fair to her. I could only control myself. So I had to accept that she would leave. Score one for logic. Now how do I accept the unacceptable? I changed my prayer strategy and asked God to give me the strength and courage I would need to deal with her leaving.
Click! Prayer granted.
Almost overnight, I felt I could breathe. I wasn't going to collapse in on myself. I could live if she left. The Navy therapist I was seeing wondered what my secret was and said I should bottle it for others.
Some skeptics might think that I just grew emotionally enough to deal with it out of necessity, survival mode kicking into gear, and that God was not the means by which I was able to deal with things. All I can say is you are giving me way too much credit for that time in my life. To attribute any degree of emotional maturity to me at that stage in my life is to give credit where credit is not due. I am barely capable of emotional maturity now.
So I said to myself "Wow, maybe there is something to this God thing after all." And that leads to the next question: Does God really exist, and is He relevant to me?
Stay tuned.
Hearing those words, my world as I knew it ended. It was 1987. Hard to believe it has been twenty years.
I was in the Navy serving on submarines. My wife had just picked me up at the pier upon my return from three months at sea. As we got to the front door of the condo we were renting, she spoke those understated, euphemistic words. As I write this I can still feel a sense of trepidation and nervousness as I place myself at that moment. Wow. I can hardly believe the unsettled feelings I am having now just thinking about it, and I am on the verge of tears.
That period of my life is a bit of a blur, but its impact is monumental, so please bear with me.
I learned what she meant as soon as I entered the condo. She had moved out all of her stuff and she said she herself would be moving out at the end of the week. Shazam!
I still don't know why she did things the way she did. I had heard many horror stories of sailors coming home to all sorts of unimaginable situations. Locks changed, lovers moved in, houses and bank accounts cleaned out and no trace of the wife and kids, those sorts of things. Thank God she didn't do that. She stayed the week and she picked me up at the pier. It could not have been easy for her. God bless her for that much.
To say I was blind-sided would have been a gross understatement. Yes, in retrospect I can say that there were warning signs, but signs only do any good if they are in a language you understand. The idea of her leaving was as foreign as the idea of, well, something I cannot even imagine right now. Perhaps sprouting a diesel engine out of my left ear and living the rest of my life in a U-Haul truck.
It was probably the most desperate time in my life, certainly one of the two most painful emotionally and three or four most momentous. But for the grace of God, I wouldn't be here now.
I spent the next week begging, pleading, sighing, crying, trying to understand. I probably shouted and raved, I don't know. By turns I felt like imploding or exploding. I could barely function. I don't know how I got to work or performed my duties. Part of that work involved standing watch on the submarine for a few days until the other crew took over and eventually left port. I remember a night in particular that still haunts me.
That week I stood watch in the missile compartment of the submarine on an overnight watch. It was a very quiet place at night, and I stood watch armed with a pistol. In a very detached way I remember thinking to myself that it would be easy to end it all. I had the opportunity and the means. I started imagining what the other watch would think when he came by and found me. I started imagining what the newspapers would say. There had been two accounts of members of the military in the last year or so who had committed suicide in the area. I kept handling the gun, feeling it, looking at it, thinking about it. We kept them unloaded, the clips on our belts. I don't remember ever loading the pistol. I don't know what stayed my hand, though I like to give credit to God. It was a very close thing.
My life was such pain, desperation, hopelessness, and lack of control. I felt that life had ended for all intents and purposes. There was nothing to hang on to, no light at the end of this tunnel. The person who felt that any problem was solvable, who had ultimate faith in the power of intellect, could not solve this one. It involved another human, and that person had free will. Nothing I could do could make her stay. No appeal to logic or intellect or promises to change or pleas for time could change the fact that my wife was going to leave. In desperation a few nights later I turned to God.
I spent many sleepless hours on the couch, pleading for God to make her stay, trying to bargain. I'd do anything He wanted. Go to church, read the Bible, whatever He wanted. Just make her stay. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I felt just as miserable.
I am realizing now that the remarkable thing was that I could have said "well, obviously God doesn't care, and this proves that He is of no use to me." Instead, I took the road less traveled by, and it has made all the difference.
I reasoned that I could not control my wife, nor did I really feel it would have been a good thing even if I could. To compel her love me would have been meaningless. Why would I expect God to do differently? If he compelled her to love me in order to grant my prayer, it would be the same thing. I couldn't control her through my own devices or through God's help, and if I could it wouldn't be fair to her. I could only control myself. So I had to accept that she would leave. Score one for logic. Now how do I accept the unacceptable? I changed my prayer strategy and asked God to give me the strength and courage I would need to deal with her leaving.
Click! Prayer granted.
Almost overnight, I felt I could breathe. I wasn't going to collapse in on myself. I could live if she left. The Navy therapist I was seeing wondered what my secret was and said I should bottle it for others.
Some skeptics might think that I just grew emotionally enough to deal with it out of necessity, survival mode kicking into gear, and that God was not the means by which I was able to deal with things. All I can say is you are giving me way too much credit for that time in my life. To attribute any degree of emotional maturity to me at that stage in my life is to give credit where credit is not due. I am barely capable of emotional maturity now.
So I said to myself "Wow, maybe there is something to this God thing after all." And that leads to the next question: Does God really exist, and is He relevant to me?
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
A thinking man's spiritual quest - prologue
Since religion is near and dear to my heart, and since I fancy myself a thinking man, I thought I'd spend a bit of time exploring how I reconcile the two mighty combatants of science and religion.
Before I embark on this mini-memoir/process I feel it is important to disclose my background.
I would say I was not raised as a religious person. My family doesn't espouse a particular religion, I didn't grow up going to church or saying grace or even having any kind of religious connection to holidays. Easter was about candy and bunnies and Christmas about Santa and gifts. I think I was the only person at my high school baccalaureate who didn't know the Lord's Prayer. (I remember feeling ashamed at that.) Does anyone even have baccalaureate any more?
For some reason I am not clear on, while I was in junior high (I think) my two brothers went to Sunday school for a while. I'm not sure why I didn't, but I might guess that it was because at the time my best friend was a Jehovah's Witness so I would go to Kingdom Hall with him and considered myself a Jehovah's Witness for about a year. I think my JW time and my brothers' Sunday school probably coincided, but I am not sure. I do remember that one of my brothers' "homework" exercises was to memorize the names of the first five books of the Bible, a task I took on and was very proud of at the time.
I would sometimes go to church with friends from school if I happened to stay overnight at a friend's house where church on Sunday was the norm. I didn't "get it" enough to even know that different churches had different beliefs and practices. This may have happened at most a dozen times.
I remember in 7th grade social studies that I learned about Muhammad and Islam and how they called God Allah and it just naturally occurred to me that it was just a different name for the same God. (So at this time I was developing my belief that regardless of whether you called God Jehovah, Allah, or Great Spirit in the Sky, it was probably the same thing.)
I remember a time in 3rd grade where we were lining up in the hall for something (lunch maybe) and they would line up girls on one side and boys on the other. I was first in the boys line, and the person behind me was trying to talk me out of my prized position and said "Don't you want to trade with me? You don't want to be across from that Jewish girl." I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and wondered why her being Jewish would be any reason to think negatively of her. (So even at that age I think I was developing a tolerance for other religions, maybe because I felt I did not have enough knowledge to know which one was "better" than another rather than through some explicit lessons of religious tolerance.)
I never really grew up knowing anyone who was not a Christian unless you include people who didn't practice any religion in which case my world was filled with them. My first roommate in college was Jewish, my first exposure to something different, although having grown up in rural Maine just going to college in New Jersey was exposure to thousands of things I had never seen. Drugs, prostitution, cities, people with money. I had known about four people who were African American, one of whom sat with me every day on the bus going to school. (I often wonder where he is now.)
While all this religious non-indoctrination was going on, I was well acquainted with science. Being a boy I was pretty well socialized towards math and science. Being someone who did well in school, I ended up in the advanced classes and enjoyed them. (I think I got most of my self-esteem from doing well in school and the praise I got for my academic accomplishments, so it was something I reveled in.) I was very logical and grew up in a family where feelings were not expressed well. In fact were pretty much discouraged. (This is my current understanding in looking back after years of analysis and may not be the experience or understanding of everyone in the family.) I grew to rely heavily on logic, thinking, and intelligence to solve problems, approach life, and engage in relationships. My pendulum had swung heavily away from emotions and intuition. They were for girls and not to be relied on. (More silly socialization.)
I used to believe in evolution and creation because they had been completely compartmentalized in my mind and never thought of together. One day that cocoon was burst and I realized that I had to choose between them. (More on that in a later post.) It was a quick decision based on my proclivity for science and logic. It was then I really started to question religion, and even grew eventually to consider that while I had nothing against it or people who practiced it, it really was only applicable to those who were weaker or less intelligent and couldn't make their own decisions about life. They needed rules within which to live. I officially labeled myself agnostic, though would freely associate with anyone of any religion. I had no prejudice against people I started to meet who were Wiccan or Pagan, though my provincial upbringing did preclude me from being comfortable with the idea of actually attending Wiccan religious observances. I had no qualms about going to church with friends, though I would often feel a little bit of guilt about not getting it or for not living according to the espoused message during a sermon thinking that if there was a God and it was really important, that He would certainly judge me among those who were wanting. Sometimes the guilt was just about being bored and not "feeling" anything during prayer and wishing I was somewhere else more fun.
I had two huge influences growing up and one later in life. My big lesson from my mother was to do what was right even if it wasn't popular. Don't be afraid to take an unpopular stand. My grandmother was the epitome of unconditional acceptance. She would accept and welcome anyone who appeared at her door. Later in life my provincial outlook, lack of worldly experience, and homophobia were all challenged, changed, and discarded through my association with my best friend.
I think that pretty much describes my background and the environment within which my spiritual quest would take place. Next time, "Look out for the first step! It's a doozy!"
Peace.
Before I embark on this mini-memoir/process I feel it is important to disclose my background.
I would say I was not raised as a religious person. My family doesn't espouse a particular religion, I didn't grow up going to church or saying grace or even having any kind of religious connection to holidays. Easter was about candy and bunnies and Christmas about Santa and gifts. I think I was the only person at my high school baccalaureate who didn't know the Lord's Prayer. (I remember feeling ashamed at that.) Does anyone even have baccalaureate any more?
For some reason I am not clear on, while I was in junior high (I think) my two brothers went to Sunday school for a while. I'm not sure why I didn't, but I might guess that it was because at the time my best friend was a Jehovah's Witness so I would go to Kingdom Hall with him and considered myself a Jehovah's Witness for about a year. I think my JW time and my brothers' Sunday school probably coincided, but I am not sure. I do remember that one of my brothers' "homework" exercises was to memorize the names of the first five books of the Bible, a task I took on and was very proud of at the time.
I would sometimes go to church with friends from school if I happened to stay overnight at a friend's house where church on Sunday was the norm. I didn't "get it" enough to even know that different churches had different beliefs and practices. This may have happened at most a dozen times.
I remember in 7th grade social studies that I learned about Muhammad and Islam and how they called God Allah and it just naturally occurred to me that it was just a different name for the same God. (So at this time I was developing my belief that regardless of whether you called God Jehovah, Allah, or Great Spirit in the Sky, it was probably the same thing.)
I remember a time in 3rd grade where we were lining up in the hall for something (lunch maybe) and they would line up girls on one side and boys on the other. I was first in the boys line, and the person behind me was trying to talk me out of my prized position and said "Don't you want to trade with me? You don't want to be across from that Jewish girl." I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and wondered why her being Jewish would be any reason to think negatively of her. (So even at that age I think I was developing a tolerance for other religions, maybe because I felt I did not have enough knowledge to know which one was "better" than another rather than through some explicit lessons of religious tolerance.)
I never really grew up knowing anyone who was not a Christian unless you include people who didn't practice any religion in which case my world was filled with them. My first roommate in college was Jewish, my first exposure to something different, although having grown up in rural Maine just going to college in New Jersey was exposure to thousands of things I had never seen. Drugs, prostitution, cities, people with money. I had known about four people who were African American, one of whom sat with me every day on the bus going to school. (I often wonder where he is now.)
While all this religious non-indoctrination was going on, I was well acquainted with science. Being a boy I was pretty well socialized towards math and science. Being someone who did well in school, I ended up in the advanced classes and enjoyed them. (I think I got most of my self-esteem from doing well in school and the praise I got for my academic accomplishments, so it was something I reveled in.) I was very logical and grew up in a family where feelings were not expressed well. In fact were pretty much discouraged. (This is my current understanding in looking back after years of analysis and may not be the experience or understanding of everyone in the family.) I grew to rely heavily on logic, thinking, and intelligence to solve problems, approach life, and engage in relationships. My pendulum had swung heavily away from emotions and intuition. They were for girls and not to be relied on. (More silly socialization.)
I used to believe in evolution and creation because they had been completely compartmentalized in my mind and never thought of together. One day that cocoon was burst and I realized that I had to choose between them. (More on that in a later post.) It was a quick decision based on my proclivity for science and logic. It was then I really started to question religion, and even grew eventually to consider that while I had nothing against it or people who practiced it, it really was only applicable to those who were weaker or less intelligent and couldn't make their own decisions about life. They needed rules within which to live. I officially labeled myself agnostic, though would freely associate with anyone of any religion. I had no prejudice against people I started to meet who were Wiccan or Pagan, though my provincial upbringing did preclude me from being comfortable with the idea of actually attending Wiccan religious observances. I had no qualms about going to church with friends, though I would often feel a little bit of guilt about not getting it or for not living according to the espoused message during a sermon thinking that if there was a God and it was really important, that He would certainly judge me among those who were wanting. Sometimes the guilt was just about being bored and not "feeling" anything during prayer and wishing I was somewhere else more fun.
I had two huge influences growing up and one later in life. My big lesson from my mother was to do what was right even if it wasn't popular. Don't be afraid to take an unpopular stand. My grandmother was the epitome of unconditional acceptance. She would accept and welcome anyone who appeared at her door. Later in life my provincial outlook, lack of worldly experience, and homophobia were all challenged, changed, and discarded through my association with my best friend.
I think that pretty much describes my background and the environment within which my spiritual quest would take place. Next time, "Look out for the first step! It's a doozy!"
Peace.
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